In celebration of the worst holiday ever conceived by man (and yes, I say “man,” not a more neutral term like “humans” because in a fit of radical feminism, I have to believe that such a terrible holiday was invented by a literal man, or perhaps a stereotype of men smoking cigars in a backroom of a sordid dive bar with a suspiciously uneven billiards table) many of my favorite internet personalities and websites decided to pull pranks on their users last Friday. Mostly, I hated everything. But Dear Abby (because yes, Dear Abby is still a thing, but now it takes place largely on the internet and partially via Twitter. What a time to be alive) pulled a characteristically classy move and simply posted en masse a bunch of letters she’d received that she’d found particularly entertaining. One of them, I found particularly entertaining.
One frustrated (and probably lawful-good) person wrote in to tell Abby that their boyfriend was proposing to them over and over again. “The first time he proposed, we were in the middle of a fancy restaurant. It was very sweet. Naturally, I said yes. He must have liked the way the restaurant patrons and staff applauded us. Since then, he has proposed to me at a basketball game, in a museum, at a crowded party and in five other restaurants.”
The thing that gets me, though, is that “Engaged in Deceit” wrote into Dearest Abby to ask her to help stop the proposals somehow. “I feel he’s turning me into a con artist,” they complain. “We’re no better than those people who tell servers it’s their birthday just to get a piece of cake.”
Listen, Engaged in Deceit (excellent choice of pseudonym, by the way), if you’re really going to marry your boyfriend, and if he really took you to more than one fancy restaurant to pull off this ploy, and if you’re going to basketball games and getting free applause, I say you’ve got the life that other people only dream of. The husband that cons with you stays with you, I always say. And one day down the line, when you’re driving the getaway car and wearing a ridiculous blond wig, getting chased by townspeople with torches and pitchforks, you two will turn to look at each other and smile lovingly into each other’s eyes in a way that so few people do anymore.
But if you really want to risk throwing all of that away, you could just say no to his next proposal, and tell everyone around you that it’s only your second date. You’ll both probably get tons of free sympathy, and he might get the hint. That hint being that you have no sense of humor and hate free stuff. What kind of American are you?